Drunken Tales
by PineapplePeopleSpokesman
Summary: After getting annoyed by Uther, Arthur decides to take himself and Merlin to a pub to get incredibly drunk. Rated M for the next chapter. Two-shot, but maybe longer M/A. R&R please!
1. The Pub

**This is going to most likely be a two-shot, but I might I make it into a multi-chapter story depending on how it turns out when I write it. It's going to be rated M in the next chapter, so be warned, but mostly enjoy :)**

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"Bloody hell, Father's going to be disappointed in me _again_," Arthur complained as he rode back his horse back to Camelot. Merlin rode next to him silently contemplating Uther's most recent quest for Arthur. Uther had heard about the phoenix and suddenly wanted one as a pet. Of course he'd ordered Arthur to capture one for him. Things hadn't gone to plan though. After hours searching for one Arthur had been centimetres away from capturing a phoenix when Merlin had tripped behind him leaving Arthur with only one of the bird's tail feathers. "Honestly _Mer_lin. I don't know why I keep you around," Arthur had said to him.

"You couldn't live without me," Merlin had said jokingly. Admittedly Arthur didn't think he could, but instead of voicing the thought aloud he just rolled his eyes.

Merlin was jolted back to the present by Arthur's voice. "We're back. Put the horses in the stable quickly then meet me outside the hall." Merlin did as he was told and was with Arthur in 10 minutes. It seemed as though Uther had been waiting for his son. The doors were opened almost immediately after Arthur had knocked on them. "Arthur, have you succeeded?"

"No, but I managed to get one of the creature's tail feathers. Perhaps you could have a quill made from it Father," Arthur informed him. Uther's face fell dramatically "You've failed me again. I've never seen such a useless son. Leave the feather and get out of my sight!"Arthur was annoyed, but he held his tongue. It would do him no good getting thrown in the dungeons. He lowered the feather onto the tabled, bowed his head and left, Merlin trailing behind.

When they got to his room Arthur pulled on a jacket and grabbed his pouch of coins, then walked out the door. "Where're you going Sire?" Merlin asked. When he didn't get a reply he asked again "Arthur?"

"We're going to a pub Merlin," Arthur replied simply. He was still annoyed and planned on getting incredibly drunk. And Merlin? He was there, because Arthur didn't want to get drunk alone and the sight of a drunken Merlin never failed to amuse Arthur.

The pub the arrived at was called The Five Barrels. It was busy all the time, full of noblemen and peasants alike, so it would be easier to blend in. "There's no where to sit," Merlin noted.

"We'll find something near the back," Arthur said gruffly. They did just that. There was a table with five chairs in the corner. "I'll buy the drinks," Arthur said, getting up and leaving Merlin alone. A group of three who were walking in noticed this and sat down next to Merlin. "Where's your pretty boy gone?" an overweight man asked Merlin. His two companions laughed loudly. Merlin looked away to see Arthur walking back. "The barmaid's going to bring our drinks over soon," he said, sitting down.

"You're back Blondie!" grinned a red headed man from across the table. Arthur did something strange for the situation, he laughed. "I'm Arthur," he said, taking the red head's hand and shaking it. "Just like the prince," said the red head. This time it was Merlin's turn to laugh. "I'm Richard," the red head told them, shaking Merlin's hand this time.

Richard's two friends introduced themselves as well. The overweight man was named Edmund and complained of a house full of wailing children. The other man was named Jack and at the age of 27 was still single and living with his mother.

When the barmaid came over with Merlin and Arthur's drinks Jack eyed her up. She ignored him however ad made a pint of leaning over, so her breasts were right in Merlin's face when she put the drinks down. She flashed Merlin an almost toothless smile, but it was no use. Merlin was blushing madly and had turned away while the other men laughed loudly. After finally taking the hint Merlin wasn't interested the barmaid sashayed off to another table. Merlin breathed a sigh of relief causing the others to laugh harder.

"She must be interested in girls since you look, so much like one," Edmund laughed hysterically. "I could imagine Merlin in a dress," Arthur said grinning at his manservant. He'd finished his drink while the barmaid had been unsuccessfully flirting with Merlin and signalled for another one. Merlin pouted "I do not."

"I bet he's the girl in your relationship," Richard sniggered. Merlin almost choked on his drink. "Our _what_? Arthur and I…we're not…well you know. Are we Arthur?"

"No. Not yet at least," Arthur said, waggling his eyebrows. Richard laughed "Relax Merlin, I was only pulling your leg."

"Like Arthur does?" Jack asked, making everyone, but Merlin laugh loudly. When the laughing subsided the conversation drifted to other topics and Merlin began to relax enough to finish his drink then another and another until he too was laughing along to the stories being swapped.

It was nearing 11.30 when the pub closed, so the men put all their money together to pay for their drinks and left singing. It was a song they'd learnt growing up, but Arthur being of noble birth had never heard of it. He was a fast learner though and was soon singing along. They staggered along the streets singing at the top of their voices, getting many disapproving looks and shouts of anger.

They were near a lake, so Arthur suggested they go swimming. They all agreed it was a great idea and set off in the wrong direction, soon realising their mistake and turning around.

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**So what did you guys think? Please review :)**


	2. The Lake

**I'm sorry this is so late! I've been so overloaded with school. On the bright side my holidays start in a few days. This chapter is really long and I would have made it into two, but I said it would be a two-shot, so I made it a two shot.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned Merlin you would definitely know!**

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The lake was about fifteen minutes away and mummy's boy Jack had to go home. It was past his curfew after all. He trudged home while the others continued on their way. When they were almost at their destination Richard said slyly "Perhaps we should go skinny dipping," He grinned at Merlin who blushed and studied Arthur's face, wanting to see his reaction. In his drunken state Arthur thought it was a great idea. His face lit up as he said "Superb!" He'd always wanted to see how big Merlin's _sword_ was and today was the perfect opportunity to find out. The only problems were Edmund and Richard who currently had his arm slung around Merlin's shoulders. Edmund coughed. "I um…have to go now…my…wife…will be expecting me," he said as he stared down at his bulging stomach. They went their separate ways. That solved the problem of Edmund, but not Richard.

The trio stepped into the clearing of the lake. It was a beautiful, clear night and the moon shone down on them. Its light reflected on Richard's suddenly bare chest."Like what you see?" he asked cheekily. Arthur looked at him and snorted. "I'd prefer to look at Gaius's arse!" At this Merlin laughed hysterically. Arthur grinned at Richard, looking incredibly proud of himself. "What the hell is a Gaius?" Richard asked, incredibly confused. Gaius was a well known and respected physician, but Arthur couldn't resist the joke. Richard was just a dimwit. "I am not!" Richard remarked.

Oops. Arthur has voiced his thoughts aloud. He really ought to stop doing that. One day Uther would throw him in the dungeon.

Richard's voice interrupted his thoughts "You're just jealous, because Merlin likes me more than you!"

Arthur's eyes narrowed. He puffed up his chest and took a step towards Richard who did the same in turn. They stared each other down. How dare a measly peasant speak to his prince like that? The two men were so close someone might have thought they were about to start kissing then and there.

"Ladies, please! There's plenty of Merlin to go around!" the raven haired sorcerer giggled. The peasant and prince stopped glaring at each other long enough to turn around and see a now very naked Merlin. "What?" Merlin asked, seeing the shocked look on Arthur's face. "I'm not complaining," Richard said, hurriedly pulling down his trousers and breeches. He and Merlin laughed like little girls and ran towards the lake. "Race you!" Merlin squealed and succeeded in tripping over twice.

Arthur laughed and he too took off his clothes. He grinned to himself. Next to where his clothes lay, having been dumped unceremoniously on the ground were Merlin's neatly folded clothes. Upon seeing Merlin's neckerchief he picked it up and tied it around his neck. He then proceeded to strut as best he could to the waters edge. Merlin and Richard looked up from where they had been splashing each other. Merlin's eyes instinctively zoned in on Arthur's impressive _sword_. "Like what you see?" Arthur mimicked. Merlin, feeling obliged to tell the truth answered "Yes, Sire." He smiled broadly, his face lighting up and the corners of his eyes crinkling. Richard muttered something about not being his type.

Arthur leisurely started walking into the water, but stopped abruptly, the water freezing his already cold feet. He shivered in the cool summer's breeze. "Come on then!" Richard yelled. So as not to be outdone Arthur dived into the shallow water, hitting his head on the bed of the lake. He stayed underwater for a minute, dazed from his stupid dive.

When he submerged he laid eyes upon Merlin and Richard who were cracking up with laughter. He rolled his eyes, took off Merlin's soaking neckerchief and tossed it at Richard's face.

Richard did not take lovingly to this and threw it onto the sane then screamed "I've had enough of you!" launching himself at Arthur. "Leave Merlin and me alone!" he said, pulling Arthur's hair.

"Merlin doesn't want any bloody thing to do with you! He's _my _manservant!" Arthur said, punching Richard hard in the jaw. Richard spat blood and kneed Arthur's stomach "Manservant? Who do you think you are? Just, because you share a name with the prince it doesn't mean you are him!"

"That's where you're wrong. I _am _Arthur fucking Pendragon. The Prince of Camelot..._your _Prince!" he said each word softly and deadly sounding, emphasising his point my giving Richard a slap after every sentence. When Richard's eyes had focused he looked up. Arthur looked every bit like the Prince. Realisation finally hit Richard as hard as one of Arthur's slaps. His head slumped in defeat and his eyes moved away from Arthur to rest on Merlin who was, despite himself laughing. There was nothing quite like watching two naked, alcohol and testosterone fuelled men fighting over you.

An almost sobered Richard dragged his heavy limbs out of the water and pulled his clothes onto his soaking wet body. He shuddered at the feeling. "Maybe I'll see you at the pub again," he met Arthur's eyes who nodded. Arthur had a feeling he'd be going to the Five Barrels again and maybe next time he and Richard would get along better. With that Richard turned and started off into the woods, not getting far before hiding behind some trees.

Merlin and Arthur were oblivious to this fact though. Arthur grinned "Now that we're alone we can spend our time doing something worthwhile."

Merlin raised an eyebrow "Like what?" He had an innocent look on his face which he usually wore whenever he'd done one of Arthur's many chores wrong. Arthur crawled over to Merlin and flashed him one of his sexiest smiled. "This," he said before wrapping an arm around Merlin's bare waist and pressing their mouths together. Both men were now sporting raging hard ons and Merlin moaned, deepening the kiss. Neither one noticed Richard stealthily taking their clothing.

Just as Arthur's hands began to stray south he heard a rustle in the tress. He turned to see his and Merlin's clothes gone. When he looked back at Merlin he was pouting "Our clothes are missing!" he remarked. Merlin looked at the shoreline, his eyes widening "Oh gods!"

"If we want to get back we better be quick. It's already getting bright out!" Arthur said, taking charge. Sure enough it was. The horizon was slowly getting a pink tinge to it. "Hellfire!" Merlin swore. He and Arthur shared a look. They were both still painfully hard, but the idea of running through Camelot with no clothes on wasn't a turn on (or at least at this particular moment). The pair raced out of the water with their hand covering their own crotch.

As it, so happens the same phoenix from the day before was flying through the forest at the time. Upon seeing the boys the poor bird had a heart attack. Arthur, ever watching his surroundings, noticed this. "Hurry, Merlin! Make a cage!" he ordered.

"How?" Merlin spluttered.

"Use your head Merlin!" Arthur said as he grabbed the phoenix and used it to shield his crotch_._ As many know the phoenix can die, but it doesn't stay dead. When this particular one woke up next to Arthur's _sword_ it promptly had another heat attack. "Oh never mind _Mer_lin. For the gods' sake, we're going into Camelot! Cover yourself up!"

"With what?

"We're in a forest…" Arthur said slowly.

Merlin's mouth popped open. "Oh," he picked up a leaf and grinned goofily. Arthur couldn't help, but smile back. Oh how he loved his manservant. "We better quicken our pace," he warned. They did just that with Merlin tripping over many times.

When they got to Camelot there were a few shop owners on the streets. Many of whom got a huge shock after seeing the boys running through the streets, Wolf whistles were let out and red faces looked away. What a start to the day!

The guards recognised Arthur and mercifully let him and his pale manservant in without more than an eye roll. The boys ran up the stairs, stopping outside Uther's bedchambers. Although the nights events had sobered them up a bit they were still drunk enough to think that dumping the phoenix in the King's chambers was a good idea.

The mistreated bird had died and come back to life many times that morning and squawked happily when it was placed next to the King's head. Uther opened one eye and then another. He turned his head to the phoenix next to him, took one look at his son and his manservant, groaned and rolled back over, think it was all a horribly strange dream. What a surprise he'd be getting later that morning when he saw the phoenix flying happily around his chambers and realised it had actually happened.

At the moment however Arthur was left with nothing to cover his crowned jewels. "I give up. We're almost at my chambers anyway"

"We, Sire?" Merlin shot Arthur a questioning look.

"Where else will we sleep?" Arthur asked, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. At the words we and sleep Merlin's _sword_ twitched in interest. This wasn't the best thing when you were buck naked in a castle. However they continued on their way and finally reached Arthur's chambers.

Arthur collapsed face first onto his bed and fell asleep. Merlin's _sword _drooped in disappointment, but he was too tired to care. He fell on a heap on top of Arthur. Both slept through most of the morning.

When they woke they both dressed in Arthur's clothes on the account that they never mention that night again or at least until the next time they got incredibly drunk. This hopefully wouldn't be for a while.

When Arthur went on patrol he took a reluctant Merlin with him. They'd gone past Richard's fields and had seen two scarecrows dressed in clothes that looked _remarkably _like theirs. The boys had laughed awkwardly and smiled at the blurred memories of that night,

They _definitely _had to do that again.

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**Finished! Hope you made it! I **_**have**_** read Harry Potter and know all my knowledge about phoenix's from it. I know they're supposed to get reborn from ashes, but hey. Merlin doesn't follow the Arthurian legends that closely, so neither do I have to follow mythology :) Review!!**


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